Finding Your Soul Mate: Why Females Leave too Early or Stay too Long

2013 A New Year for Love:

A new year always brings the anticipation of finding love, a fresh start, and 365 days of new opportunities. The majority of single females are not single by choice, but rather as a result of a relationship split; often times assuming they are simply not worthy of any available decent males love and affection.

With countless online dating sites, clubs, organizations, classes, and various other venues for meeting others, the problem is certainly not opportunity. While this can be true of males as well, females seem to experience the most challenges when it comes to finding “Mr. Right” and being able to identify early warning signs, while at the same time acknowledging true potential. In fact, it often becomes a pattern ingrained in the emotional DNA of females. So much so that most of us are not even aware of the crucial mistakes we make, and the serious warnings we ignore.

If you are alone as you read this, or even worse suffering from the chronic disappointment associated with a current or past relationship then perhaps 2013 is the time to try something new.

Leaving Too Early:

I have found, in my work, with female clients that much too often they overlook or ignore decent guys by making excuses such as feeling no attraction, or allowing trivial matters to cloud their judgment before they even get to a first date. Yet these very same females will pursue or allow involvement with men who are married, or in serious committed relationships; males who from the very beginning are clear and honest about not being interested or ready for any type of monogamous relationship. Challenges, in life, help us to grow, but taking on a romantic relationship with serious dysfunction that is often obvious from the start only leads to disappointment, chaos, and conflict. Moreover, the disruptive effects of these types of relationships linger, in our lives, even after they are over; often keeping us spiritually off balance and preventing us from forming "normal" healthy relationships, in the near-term.

Dating in the online world, like meeting face to face, should have some basic criteria, and of course one should always put personal safety first. But, with a few small changes to how females relate during their very first encounters, they can increase the chances of meeting someone with true potential as a life partner; perhaps even a soul mate.

Dating, in the very early stages, should be seen as a chance to share time with someone that might become a friend. Romance is of course the ultimate goal, but placing too much emphasis on attraction, in those first moments, often closes numerous doors on not just the opportunities ahead with that particular person, but also on the entire domain of new friends, family, and social interactions that emanate from them. There are not many of us (male or female) who could not use another good friend. Moreover, good friends hold the keys to unlocking potential love connections secreted away within their social circles.

Physical attraction often does happen immediately, but it is also just as likely to develop within a few dates, or outings. I use the three date rule, if by three dates, or three encounters there simply is zero spark then such a person is probably not going to end up a life mate or partner, but could very well be a close friend for life, and again, that one person has the potential to introduce you to numerous other potential persons, in their social circle.

What's Trivial:

The man wears a flannel shirt and you prefer modern attire; he sports a beard, and you always admire a clean-shaven face. In the event this leads to a life relationship, these minor issues are going to be quite irrelevant when compared to trust, ambition, and drive. Because being emotionally ready and willing to make a commitment is the ultimate factor that leads to a relationship not whether or not someones garb jibes with our predefined stereotype of what a perfect male should wear.

A good example of this concept would be searching online where a broader search criterion, in the search query, yields a larger set of possible results to choose from. The same can be said for searching for a life partner, in 2013. Because, the less judgmental we are initially the more likely we are to find a "love match" that lasts.

I recommend that when a female client is meeting a male for the first time, or has perhaps just met someone in a social setting, asking this one very important question: Is he a gentleman? While this may seem like an old-fashioned statement your grandmother would more than certainly agree that a “gentleman” has a strong set of moral values that symbolize the core beliefs needed for a successful relationship like honor, respect, and fidelity.

Try to move past the "all" or "nothing" mindset that pigeon holes men into categories or types, in the new year. Try to keep an open mind instead. Look for positive qualities like humor, common interests, or charm instead of looking for the often arbitrary exclusionary criteria that you predefine before a date. Most importantly, however, do not forget to have fun and enjoy the thrill of the new experience of a first date!

Each time we allow ourselves to meet someone new, we not only expand our social circle, but we expand our zone of control, as we open our spiritual and emotional being just a little bit more. A good question to ask in an internal monologue is "does this person appear to be someone I could be friends with?". If the answer is "yes", then a couple of dates are certainly in order. Use the same criteria in dating for a possible romantic partner as you would for seeking out a friendship. Because, in that scenario, their overall physical appearance is probably not going to be the only factor you base your decision upon.

Leaving Too Late:

For many females, the greater the challenge the longer they stay. We often ignore the frustration, anguish, doubt and despair continuing to seek the company of a male that has shown us quite clearly that a true long-term or life mate/partner relationship is going to be virtually impossible. For example, here are some common ones I come across:

1.) He is married, or in a committed relationship.

2.) He has serious drug or alcohol issues.

3.) His coping skills around intimacy are to disappear and not answer your texts, emails and phone calls for days.

Worse yet is the male that after a whirlwind start with lots of chemistry and consistent contact confesses that he is simply “not looking” for anything serious. Logically we know this is the time to end things. Hopefully before we have spent too much time and/or resources in justifying all of these unacceptable situations and behaviors. But instead quite often the nurturing “I can change/fix him” aspect comes bounding out, and we find ourselves on an endless roller coaster, constantly seeking reassurance based on those first moments/days/times of connection and chemistry and every bit of good sense we had prior seems to have disappeared. In these cases, most of our friends and family have advised us to leave, to let go and move on. In addition, these clients often become addicted to psychics and readings. They are not receiving the “proof” or behaviors, actions etc. from the male, so they look to alternative methods to justify remaining, and compromise most if not all of their core values and beliefs simply because there were some good times, and such strong chemistry.

The longer we remain in these dysfunctional relationships the more dysfunction becomes normal. We often begin to internalize or define our life and self-worth by external factors like a returned phone call, a promise, or even intimacy. While hope certainly goes hand in hand with love when “hope” becomes a constant maladaptive coping strategy we find ourselves trapped. Often living only for a fantastical future where we affected a miraculous change in our significant others personality. Hope at this juncture only serves to enable dysfunction, and the joy of each day, or moment is bypassed, and overlooked. In its place, we find only the bitter loneliness, agonizing misery, and total unmanageability, of our disillusioned lives.

Remember that Universal law dictates that a new door open for each door that shuts. Therefore, in our pursuit of true love our fears and reluctance to let go often prevents the limitless future opportunities that the universe provides us to abound in our lives.

In conclusion, finding love can be a happy and joyous adventure. Learn to be more open and accepting, in the very beginning then strict, firm, and holding onto solid boundaries once involved. It’s January 1 2013, and we each hold the power and the secret to making it our year of love!

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